After a thorough and thoughtful discussion with my boyfriend at 6am when he was still half asleep, I have decided to run for President of the United States of America. I have set up an exploratory committee in my home state of New York to reach out to the working people. The division in this country is volatile. I have the capabilities (which you don’t really know, but can trust) to bring leadership to this country. I have the experience, which includes such things as reading political books about President Trump, skimming news headlines on Twitter, and posting my opinions on the internet.
My campaign will focus on women’s issues, ranting about Donald Trump, healthcare, and social media strategy as international diplomacy. My candidacy as an independent party will in no way affect the two party system of government, as I have been told by my advisers, a homeless man shouting on the street and Howard Schultz, the former Starbucks CEO that I am basing my campaign on and against: the more parties, the better.
As the first person in my family to go to college, it is my vow that I will abolish student loans forever. I come from humble beginnings and I’m relatable to everyone, in a neutral and calm way. I, too, was once spiritual adviser to Oprah so I am a legitimate interesting person.
My other opponent, Pop-Tarts, wants you to think this presidency is just a sweet delicious treat, but I guess some of you haven’t been endorsed by Toaster Strudel, like me.
This grassroots effort will need help from every individual on the planet. If you donate one dollar to my campaign I will print your name on a t-shirt and wear it during my lifetime.