Dude on Drugs: A Fantastic Case Study

Every time I would throw a tantrum at a family function when I was young, my mother would affectionately tell me: “Every party needs a pooper, that’s why we invited you!” It’s a jab at me, as the guest, to get my act together and act appropriately around other people. I encountered one such Pooper this weekend.

My friend, On the Green Line, hosted a lovely wine & cheese movie party on Saturday evening. I arrived relatively on time and helped cut some cheese (ha-ha-ha). When everything was set up, the wine was flowing and the movie was starting (Stardust). One of our friends invited a guy she had been texting for the past few months and he arrived about 20 minutes into the movie. We paused the movie to get introduced. He was very nice and charming, such a good catch! All the guests are mingling, we are having a hilarious conversation of misunderstood plant care: “you must fertilize your plant!” and his talk of being a musician and teacher. Meanwhile, I was eating goat cheese, strawberry, and honey on a cracker.

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Dear sweet baby Jesus, this is amazing.

The conversation finally turned toward a movie and the group decided to watch The Princess Bride. While the movie was getting set up, our new guest excused himself with, “I have to go outside to help someone who is stuck.” Hmmmm.

Let us evaluate that statement for a second.

1) That is a weird excuse to step outside, I don’t care how nice of a person you are.

2) After a quick peak out the window, there is clearly no one who needed assistance.

I had assumed that he had bailed, but indeed the man returned 10 minutes later. There was some awkward shuffling by said male guest as he tripped over his feet to settle in front of the television. We were all saying the dialogue out loud (“You seem a decent fellow… I hate to kill you.” “You seem a decent fellow… I hate to die”) or hanging out by the fruit plate…

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Fruit is my sustenance.

It was only after a few minutes when we realized that something was not quite right with the male guest. He started to lose motor control. He was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and he spilled it on the floor and his pants. We all heard the splash, but since it was dark in the room, it was hard to tell what happened. I was standing behind the action (with the cheese! The room is separated by the couch, which is facing the television and the food is on a shelf behind the couch.) and saw the spill on the floor. He said in a muffled tone, “Don’t worry about it.” After a few minutes, he grabbed a nearby hand towel to try to remedy his pants situation. Something was going on.

The movie finally ends. My friend (who had invited this guy) decides she is not feeling well and is going to leave. In any normal scenario, he would have also taken this as a cue to get out, since he was her guest, but he was obviously a little messed up. So we say our goodbyes to our friend and reorganize ourselves on the couch, while the drugged up male stayed back behind the couch with the cheese and olives. We began watching She’s All That, a true 90’s rom com.

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Let’s take a moment to appreciate this hotness.

The whole movie we ignored this guy as he tried to stand against the back wall, knocked over a calendar, munched on the food, dropped a jar of olives on the floor, slipped on said olive juice, stood on a stool to get water from the sink (unnecessary since he’s 6ft tall), and in many ways made a lot of noise and a lot of mess. And even though he has the motor skills of a drunk, we expect that the drug he was on was more potent. I was texting my friend about all his antics. She was upset that he didn’t leave after her and that his actions reflected poorly on her.

He made commentary on the scene’s he felt were moving (mostly “uhh” and “yeah” toward the wooing of Rachael Leigh Cook) and during the choreographed prom dance scene, he sidled up to our host (who was sitting) and did a weird Elaine Benes dance impersonation. Our host did not acknowledge him, but we could tell from the look on her face that she was about to burst into laughter. We all tried our hardest to get through the rest of the movie without laughing at him. He went into the bathroom (for at least the 5th time), knocking over a few things in there as well. It was hard to figure out what was going on with him, we were all a little confused. I made some hand gestures to indicate that he might have smoked something. Once he emerged from the bathroom he said he was leaving and practically ran out the door.

We turned on the light to assess the damage. Indeed he had left us a mess. We proceeded to throw out theories to his behavior as we cleaned. Freddie Prince Jr. kissed Rachael Lee Cook in the post-prom-romantic-forgiveness-by-a-pool scene.

“He smoked some weed!”

“He is acting drunk, but didn’t have much to drink.”

“It could be a pill of some sort.”

It was discussed that this guy had not exhibited any outward signs of drug use in the previous times he met with our friend or with the host, we even cited his behavior earlier that evening. I am reminded of high school, I was at my friends house and a guy took some shrooms and hid under a table the whole night making clicking noises, so on a scale of weirdness, this wine and cheese party guest was pretty mild.

To the drug user I say:

Dear Party Pooper, although it was not my house, you have left a terrible impression on all of us and it is very doubtful we’ll be seeing you ever again. Please get yourself together. Thank you, party guests.

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